Sunday, September 30, 2007
He: At last, Yes It was so hard to wait!
She: Do you want to leave me?
He: No, Don’t even think about it!
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No, why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy, I’m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
After marriage. . .
Simply read from bottom to top.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three don't exist.
Source: Comedy Central
Sunday, September 23, 2007
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
Monday, September 17, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now tell me, what the f*#k would you say?"
Saturday, September 8, 2007
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
"Dave..... Dave..... Dave, you sick bastard, you're a vet."
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure"? she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$250!" she cried. "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead"?
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $25, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $250.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“